12 Requisites for Loving Relationships (and a Bonus)
Twelve quick tips for cultivating loving relationships and navigating relationship conflicts. These requisites are not exclusive to romantic relationships, and at the same time can be especially helpful in that regard. Incidentally, #7 may seem out of left field, but if we spend time thinking about this one deeply, we can see why it actually holds much weight towards the cultivation of strong, loving, grounded relationships.
Belief in the Restorative and Transformative Nature of Love
An unwavering belief in love’s ability to restore and transform us and our relationships.
Openness to Experience
Being open to discovering new aspects and truths about ourselves and others.
Willingness to Change
A willingness to change the parts of ourselves that are holding us back from love.
Seeking to Understand
The desire to understand the truth about ourselves and others (rather than merely our illusions) so that we can learn, change, and grow.
‘If I let myself really understand another person, I might be changed by that understanding. And we all fear change. So as I say, it is not an easy thing to permit oneself to understand an individual.’ — Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Acting for the Common Good
Putting ‘we’ at the center of the relationship rather than ‘I”.
Recognizing Mutuality as the Heart of Love
Letting go of any desire to manipulate, control, or have power over the other; rejecting power struggles. From The Courage to Be Disliked:
Teacher: ‘In the first place, the rightness of one's assertions has nothing to do with winning or losing. If you think you are right, regardless of what others opinions might be, the matter should be closed then and there. However, many people will rush into a power struggle and try to make others submit to them, and that is why they think of admitting a mistake as admitting defeat. Because of one’s mindset of not wanting to lose, one is unable to admit one’s mistake, the result being that one ends up choosing the wrong path. Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles - none of these things is defeat. The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people.’
Boy: ‘So, when you’re hung up on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make the right choices?’
Teacher: ‘Yes, it clouds your judgment and all you can see is imminent victory or defeat, then you turn down the wrong path. It is only when we take down the lenses of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves.’
Letting Go of Our Adolescent Views of the World
Forgoing *chronic magical thinking (e.g. that there will be a savior), pedestalizing (e.g. idolization/guru culture rather than trusting our own inner authority), not taking responsibility/blaming.
The inverse: making more realistic choices, putting in the honest and hard work needed to develop ourselves and achieve our goals, balancing independence with dependence (i.e., balancing being our own ‘hero’ with needing others; interdependence), taking responsibility for our words, actions, and choices.
*Don’t let go of all the magic, of course. Life would be a doozy if we didn’t dare to dream.
Self-Awareness and the Active Denial of Separation
Noticing inconsistencies that emerge due to the shadow or repressed side of ourselves – how the pains from the past that we hold onto translate into patterns or projections that separate us from others.
‘The great peace of the Kingdom shines in your mind forever, but it must shine outward to make you aware of it.’ (ACIM, T-6.II.12:8)
Transcending Trauma
Recognizing that our past pains/traumas hold the meaning we give them; recognizing where we are re-creating or continuing the cycle of family or generational traumas; having the courage to break the cycle and create a new story.
Open Communication
A willingness to stay in uncomfortable conversations rather than escape; to approach conflict in a healthy way — to be honest (yet still kind), to stay open, to be committed to resolution, to call in rather than call out. (I.e., we call people in through loving language and actions, whereas harsh language, shaming, blaming, or showing contempt can push them away.)
’To love you have to learn how to exchange, and you have to learn how to give it and to take it. And you’ve got to learn [...] to hear the other. If you want to be heard, you’ve got to hear the other. [...] a relationship will always be significantly strengthened and supported where there is a commitment between people – and this is as likely to be implicit as explicit – that they can lovingly and truthfully say what is on their minds without fear of tantrums, withdrawal, attack or retaliation. In the healthiest relationships such open communication can be assumed. There is an affiliative understanding that each person will be actively supported in their psychological and social growth by the other, and is not in need of protection from reality.’ — Stephanie Dowrick, Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love
Repair Attempts, Steps for Peace, Meeting in the Middle
Reaching out to repair any hurt that was caused as soon as possible; admission of shortcoming/wrongdoing (remembering that admitting a wrong is not a sign of weakness, but rather a strength); taking responsibility for the hurt we may have caused; apologizing.
Even if we don’t believe we were in the wrong, taking a step for peace/to preserve the relationship anyways; a willingness to meet in the middle — to understand the other, to be open to the other, to be open to being changed by the other (refer to numbers 2-4).
Forgiving
Forgiveness is perhaps the most vital virtue of love and loving relationships. I’ll dedicate a post to just this topic at some point. For now, I’ll let the wise words of Stephanie Dowrick take the stage as I’ve recently found them to be particularly succinct, eloquent, and useful:
‘At the heart of forgiveness lies a bewitching paradox that echoes in all the virtues: that the more openly and truthfully we experience our connection with others, the less personal and conditional this connection needs to be. In bowing deeply to the heart of the person you have injured, or feel injured by, you acknowledge what you share; yet this knowledge can set you free. For only when we understand what we share will we also understand how compassion emerges from truth and love and wholeness – and changes everything.’ — Stephanie Dowrick, Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love
‘The cycle of redemption [includes] openness, truthfulness, a willingness to be changed, a willingness to make amends; action that removes us from the place of suffering; action that relieves the pain of others; a willingness to learn.’ — Stephanie Dowrick, Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love
Bonus — Wishing for and Working Toward the Good of the Other
I loved this simple yet eloquent sentiment from Nick Cave on what makes a successful marriage; it can be applied to any relationship:
‘As far as I can see the secret to a successful and enduring marriage rests entirely upon both participants believing in, wishing for and working toward the good of the other. If you have that, mostly, all will be well.’ — Nick Cave, The Red Hand Files